Fr. Brian O’Leary explains in the website CatholicIreland.net: “Decision making is often a process marked by fluctuation of mood and even by struggle. Change and new commitments stir up feelings – both of anxiety and self-doubt as well as enthusiasm and energy. These feelings lead self-awareness and can be the way God indicates where he wants to lead me.” He then goes on to say: “The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius are often described as offering a way of coming to a good decision on a major issue in a person’s life”.
As I viewed the program on EWTN and subsequently read a couple of on-line articles pertaining to these Spiritual Exercises, I began to realize over the past year that much of what had occurred in me when making the “journey back home” to the Catholic Faith, were exactly what these feelings that Fr. O’Leary was referring to. I had experienced those spirits within me causing me at times emotional “highs” and other times a very deep dark “low”. Interestingly enough, the lows would almost always occur within a week or so after I had felt the “highs”. I absolutely could not understand where these feelings of what I called depression were coming from because in my personal life things were quite fine. I had no illusions that my spiritual life needed work but I focused daily on prayer, the study of scripture and reading all I could about the Catholic Church.
A little background on St. Ignatius from Wikipedia might help in understanding where these Spiritual Exercises came from:
Ignatius of Loyola (Basque:Ignazio Loiolakoa, Spanish: Ignacio de Loyola) (1491 - July 31, 1556) was a Spanish knight from a Basque noble family, hermit, priest since 1537, and theologian, who founded the Society of Jesus(Jesuits) and was its first Superior General. Ignatius emerged as a religious leader during the Counter-Reformation. Loyola's devotion to the Catholic Church was characterized by unquestioning obedience to the Catholic Church's authority and hierarchy.
After being seriously wounded at the Battle of Pamplona in 1521, he underwent a spiritual conversion while in recovery. De Vita Christi by Ludolph of Saxony inspired Loyola to abandon his previous military life and devote himself to labour for God, following the example of spiritual leaders such as Francis of Assisi. He experienced a vision of the Virgin Mary and the infant Jesus while at the shrine of Our Lady of Montserrat in March 1522. Thereafter he went to Manresa where he began praying for seven hours a day, often in a nearby cave, while formulating the fundamentals of the Spiritual Exercises. In September 1523, Loyola reached the Holy Land to settle there, but was sent back to Europe by the Franciscans.
Between 1524 and 1537, Ignatius studied theology and Latin in Spain and then in Paris. In 1534, he arrived in the latter city during a period of anti-Protestant turmoil which forced John Calvin to flee France. Ignatius and a few followers bound themselves by vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. In 1539, they formed the Society of Jesus, approved in 1540 by Pope Paul III, as well as his Spiritual Exercises approved in 1548. Loyola also composed the Constitutions of the Society. He died in July 1556, was beatified by Pope Paul V in 1609, canonized by Pope Gregory XV in 1622, and declared patron of all spiritual retreats by Pope Pius XI in 1922. Ignatius' feast day is celebrated on July 31. Ignatius is a foremost patron saint of soldiers, the Society of Jesus, the Basque Country, and the provinces of Guipúzcoa and Biscay.
As noted above, Ignatius during his time of recovery in Manresa, began to have “discernment of the spirits” in his readings of Christ and the saints and out of this came the Spiritual Exercises and his ultimate conversion to the Catholic faith.
As I began my return to the Catholic faith, I remember specifically how the Holy Spirit began to work within me causing me to realize I was beginning on a journey that would ultimately change the course of my life forever. As one article I read said: “The good spirit disturbs and shakes up. It stirs up feelings of remorse and discontent”. I had begun some years before to feel something just was not quite right within me and my spiritual life. It was an ever nagging feeling at times worse than others but I would somehow push it to the back of my mind and continue on. It was definitely stirring up “feelings of remorse and discontent”. It became so bad at one point during the year before my reconciliation with the church that I would pray for it to go away. The feeling was very strong and I subsequently became quite angry and distraught. I remember crying uncontrollably on many an occasion and was totally out of control emotionally and physically so much so I lied my way out of comments from my husband as to “what was wrong” and “why was I so unhappy”. At the same time the “evil” spirit was causing me much confusion and I began to question if this was indeed the Holy Spirit working through me or just some passing fancy about perhaps returning to the church of my childhood.
Once I became closer to making the final step into the church, I then began to feel the good spirit or Holy Spirit giving me the strength and courage to move on and take control of my life and I felt an immense sense of relief that this indeed was what God had in His plan for me. As another article on discernment of the spirits I read said: “For people who are trying to live a life pleasing to God, the good spirit strengthens, encourages, consoles, removes obstacles, and gives peace.” “The evil spirit tries to derail them by stirring up anxiety, false sadness, needless confusion, frustration, and other obstacles.”
I can certainly attest to the fact I have experienced both of these and as I mentioned above I would experience one then about a week later the other spirit usually the “evil” would kick in. As I read, “discernment of spirits is a challenging task.” If I had known then what I know now, I could have probably handled my feelings much better than I did and perhaps would not have experienced such a roller coaster of a ride. But then I also feel this may have been God’s will for me in order to bring me more fully into His grace and eventual peace through reflection and discernment of these spirits.
Interestingly enough, these “spirits” will continue to expose themselves to us during our whole life. It is not a once in a lifetime experience. As one becomes in tune with discernment of spirits then the whole idea of the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius in the understanding of God’s grace, sin and the root of sin becomes more apparent. I began to ask the hard questions of myself. Am I living the life God wants me to live? Am I doing His will in everything I do? Am I admitting my sinful nature and working on sanctification in order to become more holy and acceptable to Him?
About a month ago I again experienced the “evil” spirit. I had a day in which everything was dark and despairing. I was immensely sad and could not figure out why as things had been going very well for me in my spiritual life. I asked for and received prayers from a spiritual guide through Seeking Divine Mercy website affiliated with this blog. Within a few hours this “evil” spirit had lifted and once again I had overcome those feelings of complete despair. So even though I had at this point in my life reconciled with the church, I was still “under attack” from those spirits who want nothing better than to “derail” my sense of peace. It is an ongoing struggle at times but since I have now found out what has caused this I am in a better place to be able to confront it when it occurs again and it will. Of this I am certain.
In conclusion, I feel as Catholics, it is important we look a little deeper at what keeps us from the fullness of God’s graces. Part of Ignatius Spiritual Exercises includes “the way to be happy and fulfilled is to accept God’s offer of friendship and to live in accordance with that friendship. If we are trying to do this, according to Ignatius, ‘consolation’ is the order of the day. This does not mean that life will be without pain and suffering; it means that God wants to be a consoling presence to us even in the inevitable pains and suffering of life.” Consolation is that desire for God and a moving away from sin. When faced with any important decisions in life whether they are spiritual or secular, discernment of spirits can be an essential part of knowing God’s will for us. When we are able to make a decision that is pleasing to Him, understanding through self-awareness and self- knowledge what His plan for us is, these decisions become clearer to us and ultimately we will be at peace in whatever we decide in our secular as well as our spiritual lives.
Written by a follower of SDM
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